Day+164 (Relapse)

I jinxed myself. I know I did. Over the past several weeks, I bought tons of stuff online, like new jeans and tops and shoes, and books and I was even looking into buying a new mobile phone with a 2-year contract. I started to tell people I was doing well, I started to think about and plan for my future again. I really thought I was getting better. I even told Father Bill that God was looking out for me. I was wrong. If He was looking out for me, why did I have to relapse? Why?

I found out 2 days ago, at my usual appointment. The bone marrow transplant team doctors didn’t really have any answers for me as to next steps. They just said that CML was detectable in my blood again. The chemo/radiation and transplant didn’t kill them all. They would defer the next steps to Dr. Lipton, the CML specialist in Canada. I don’t know anything right now. I don’t have any answers. My appointment with Dr. Lipton is on Wednesday.

I am VERY ANGRY with Him right now. If He’s going to take me, why not have mercy on me and just take me NOW??? Why drag me through treatment after treatment, until I have lost ALL of my human dignity, before He takes me? How can He be so cruel?

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5 Responses to Day+164 (Relapse)

  1. Helen says:

    Oh dear,Im so sad to hear this from you.be strong.Im sure tki will work or a donor infusion for you to get rid of final bad cells.take care Winnie.xx

  2. Cheryl Thornton says:

    Winnie – so sorry to hear this latest news…but don’t panic yet – Dr. Lipton is one of the best in the country for CML but be prepared for not much bedside manner…he’s crass and gruff – have your questions prepared and make sure to take one or 2 people with you or record the session if you can – ask questions like “will I be able to control it this time with the TKI’s” – ask what your chimerism is (that’s your percentage of donor cells – and ask if a DLI will be done to top up your donor cells – if you are still on immune suppressants – possibly those can be lowered or stopped to see if some gvhd will appear to kill off the remaining cells – ask if there is a possibility of another transplant with different donor (you can get in the trial in Hamilton for the Haplo’s if they can’t find another donor for you – ask to be referred to Dr. Walker at the Jurvinski)

    Whatever you do – don’t give up hope – because I’m sure there are still some other options…let us know how it goes…

  3. Vivian says:

    Winnie,
    Please be assured that the Bible Study Group at St Luke’s will join you in your prayers for strength to overcome this new challenge.
    Vivian

  4. Lucina Chao says:

    Very saddened by your latest news. It’s natural for you to be upset, I would have felt the same too. But believe it or not, He continues to watch over you and love you dearly even though you are extremely angry at Him. What father will ever stop loving his kids? And who is to say you lose human dignity? Your body may be at its worst condition now, but your dignity comes from your strong spirit and faith. Look to the crucified Jesus for strength. This must be a very dark moment, but be rest assured that many are praying hard for you, and care very much about you. You are not alone in this battle.
    Here’re two of the many St. Peter’s writings that greatly inspire me, hope they can help you too:
    “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” …Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:9-10)
    We even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5)
    Lucina

  5. Sandy says:

    Winnie, catching up on your blog. I can only imagine the frustration you must be going through. I don’t have answers either. But I’ll continue to pray for you. You can call this blind faith. But what is faith if you can see through it all. I pray that He will always be there…

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