I jinxed myself. I know I did. Over the past several weeks, I bought tons of stuff online, like new jeans and tops and shoes, and books and I was even looking into buying a new mobile phone with a 2-year contract. I started to tell people I was doing well, I started to think about and plan for my future again. I really thought I was getting better. I even told Father Bill that God was looking out for me. I was wrong. If He was looking out for me, why did I have to relapse? Why?
I found out 2 days ago, at my usual appointment. The bone marrow transplant team doctors didn’t really have any answers for me as to next steps. They just said that CML was detectable in my blood again. The chemo/radiation and transplant didn’t kill them all. They would defer the next steps to Dr. Lipton, the CML specialist in Canada. I don’t know anything right now. I don’t have any answers. My appointment with Dr. Lipton is on Wednesday.
I am VERY ANGRY with Him right now. If He’s going to take me, why not have mercy on me and just take me NOW??? Why drag me through treatment after treatment, until I have lost ALL of my human dignity, before He takes me? How can He be so cruel?